I have so much I should be doing, which is why a post has not been made in so long. But here I am, I have to post. With the passing of Senator McCain memories have come sweeping through my mind non-stop. Yesterday was a rough, depressing day. It was difficult to get anything done, yet I did. It has been eight years since my tumor was found and removed by the magical hands of one of the best neurosurgeons in Atlanta. The entire process was a whirlwind. A scary whirlwind. I did not have time to process what was even happening to me until well after it happened to me. I was having migraines and blacking out. One day I had an MRI, the next day the doctor called and told me to go to the neurosurgeon the next day, that day the neurosurgeon admitted me to the neuro-ICU in case I blacked out again, that morning I had surgery to have a golf ball sized tumor removed from the 4th ventricle of my brain. Then I spent the next ten days in the hospital recovering from the surgery crying in pain and honestly…not remembering much of it. I remember the double vision for days, I remember the assistance needed when walking for days. I remember I couldn’t take stairs. I remember the anxiety when going outside. I remember crying when leaving the hospital because I was worried no one could take care of me the way they could.
The thing was, I wasn’t out of the woods yet. It turned out that the type of tumor I had was very rare for an adult to get. It was also very rare for it to just be in the brain, it also affects the spine. So here I was going through it all again this time having my spine looked at. Having the tumor reviewed by an oncologist to be sure radiation was not necessary. I’m happy to report that radiation was not necessary, and my spine was fine. This is why I praise my neurosurgeon for the wonderful man he is and the talent his hands hold. It was a few weeks later that my incision began leaking and I spent another seven days in the hospital. It turns out that material used to seal the incision began to leak. Talk about freaking me out!
After years of MRI’s every six months, and freaking out every time I got a migraine, I’m fine. So far so good. Which is remarkable given that the type of tumor I had has a high likelihood of returning.
Each time someone passes of brain cancer, my heart hurts. It reminds me of how lucky I was in my situation, and how difficult others are. Sometimes I wish I could share the wonderful brain and hands of my neurosurgeon across the world, but would that be enough? To be honest, the loss to brain cancer is low. Most times the tumor can be removed and treated with radiation, but there are times when it’s more complicated. If you would like to know more about brain tumors, cancer, and all things toxic to the brain please visit: http://braintumor.org/brain-tumor-information/understanding-brain-tumors/
This blog is late, but work is 110% of my life right now. Taking time for blog posts...who has time for that? But I made a promise, mostly to myself, but a promise nonetheless. These blogs will tell a story, eventually, but before that we’re going to skip around a lot.
Recently, I’ve been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with work, with home life, with health problems. I absolutely cannot keep up with life. But I’ve been trying. I put on my smiley face and I walk amongst the crowds and I try. Somehow, I’m producing at work. Not timely, but I’m producing. Somehow, the bills are paid, and we haven’t been evicted yet. Somehow, I haven’t ended up in the hospital…well again…and I get up every day without getting sick. My daughter gets to school, as far as I know she gets that support she needs. She hasn’t said otherwise.
In the meantime, at the end of the day I don’t remember a thing that I did. Was I successful? Did I fail someone? What’s going to go wrong tomorrow? Something is absolutely going to go wrong tomorrow.
The thing is, these are everyday motions. I go through these motions. I don’t enjoy them. I want to enjoy them. I didn’t go to college and grad school in my 30’s and begin my career in my 40’s to go through the motions. I wanted to live. I wasn’t living before, I want to live now. I want to be a mom, a wife, a therapist, and the best damn worker the agency has. The thing is…I’m tired. I’m tired all the time. I put so much in and get so little out that I get so tired. Not to mention, illness happened. It slowed me down incredibly. (People, taking care of your health should always be your number one priority. ALWAYS.)
So, I’m stuck. I know what I want. How do I get there? Mindfulness? Self-care? I’ll find the path, because that’s what I do. I find solutions, and I always have.
In the meantime, I’ll keep rocking this happy face, this smile, and moving forward with my life and my career. It will all fall into place. Just don’t ever think it comes easy, and that it ever stops becoming work. Success is work. Success is the goal.
This girl has come a long way from that little girl who marched into kindergarten like she owned the place. From her first day of school, there was no doubt that she was going to be successful, and that year she won the citizenship award.
I am a Master Social Work graduate from UGA, and absolutely LOVE what I do. I specialize in DBT therapy, and enjoy working adolescent teens and adults. I hope you enjoy my blog, it's been a long time in the making! *HUGS!*